When someone you know is grieving, it’s natural to want to say or do something—anything—to ease their pain. Yet, even with the best intentions, condolence messages and gestures can sometimes miss the mark. Knowing what to avoid can help ensure your words and actions offer genuine comfort rather than unintended distress.
Here are some of the most common condolence mistakes people make, along with thoughtful ways to approach them more sensitively.
Trying to “Fix” the Grief
One of the most common mistakes is attempting to make the grieving person feel better too quickly. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least they lived a long life” may be meant to console, but they can feel dismissive of very real pain. How to avoid it: Instead of trying to provide perspective or solutions, acknowledge the loss directly. Simple statements such as “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I can’t imagine how hard this must be” validate their feelings without minimising them.
Saying Nothing at All
Many people avoid reaching out because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, silence can be interpreted as indifference or avoidance, even when that isn’t the intention. How to avoid it:A short, sincere message is always better than no message. Even a brief note expressing sympathy shows that you care and that the person is not alone during an incredibly difficult time.
Making It About Yourself
Sharing your own experiences with loss can sometimes help create connection, but it can also unintentionally shift focus away from the person who is grieving. How to avoid it:If you do reference your own experience, keep it minimal and relevant, and always bring the focus back to them. For example: “When I lost someone close to me, I remember how overwhelming it felt. I’m here for you if you need anything.”
Offering Vague Support
Phrases like “Let me know if you need anything” are well-meaning, but grieving people often don’t have the energy or clarity to ask for help. How to avoid it:Be specific in your offers – instead of a general statement, try:
- “I can drop off a meal this week.”
- “I’m happy to watch the kids one afternoon if that helps.”
Choosing Inappropriate Words
Certain phrases—such as “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals all wounds”—can feel hollow or even upsetting, depending on the person’s beliefs and emotional state. How to avoid it: Stick to neutral, compassionate language. If you’re unsure what to say, sincerity matters more than eloquence. Gentle, respectful wording is always safest.
Forgetting That Grief Lasts Longer Than the Funeral
Support often pours in immediately after a loss, then fades away. For many people, the hardest moments come weeks or months later, once life around them returns to normal. How to avoid it: Check in again after some time has passed. A message, a call, or a small gesture—such as sending thoughtful condolence gifts—can remind someone that they’re still supported long after the initial shock has worn off.
Expecting Grief to Follow a Timeline
Grief is not linear. Some days will feel manageable; others won’t. Expecting someone to “be okay by now” can add unnecessary pressure. How to avoid it:Allow space for grief to take whatever form it needs. Avoid setting expectations around healing and instead offer patience, understanding, and ongoing kindness.
Overlooking Non-Verbal Support
Words aren’t the only way to express sympathy – sometimes, presence and quiet support speak louder than anything you could say. How to avoid it:A handwritten note, a small token of remembrance, or simply sitting with someone in silence can be incredibly meaningful. Thoughtful gestures often provide comfort when words fall short.
At the end of the day, thoughtfulness matters more than perfection
When offering condolences, perfection isn’t the goal—compassion is. By avoiding these common mistakes and approaching grief with empathy, patience, and sincerity, you can provide genuine comfort during one of life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes, the simplest expressions of care are the ones that matter most.
